Write about something a character cared about or wanted intensely but no longer does

When Sarah opened the package from her mother, there was a letter addressed to her and a book—“Finding Happiness Through God.” She smiled at the sentiment before tucking it under her bed, next to other devotionals and religious texts her mother had been sending her for years.

She could hardly recognize the girl her mother still seemed to believe she was — a doe-eyed 16-year old who was part of her church’s youth band, an active member in several Christian clubs and someone who prayed that the Lord would send her a man of God. That version of her thought for certain that by this age she'd be married with 2-3 children. She'd walk hand-in-hand with her husband into church every morning, their children trailing behind in dresses, khakis and button down shirts.  

She hadn’t told her mother how much she’d changed in the years since leaving home. It had been years since she stepped into a sanctuary, yet her mother would still ask her if she’d tried meeting a nice man at church, Your years are creeping up on you, you know.

She didn’t resent her mother, but she did resent the space that made her believe her value lied in remaining clean.

For years she’d hated herself. She’d said no, but she felt stained, dirty after being sexually assaulted in college. She should have been stronger. Her shorts should have been longer. She should have had less to drink.

She’d gone to church the day after the assault. She’d cried in the parking lot and cried on her knees while the lights were dimmed and a band played a worship song she’d heard a hundred times before. A woman beside her placed a hand on her shoulder and it only made her feel dirtier, unworthy of existing in the space.

She wanted nothing to do with a place that made her hate herself so much for something her therapist consistently told her was not her fault.